Break and Soar
by AshRain114
Summary: She'd seen regeneration before, but it was very different first hand. How do you come to terms with someone you will never see again, but who isn't going anywhere. Whouffle. SPOILERS FOR TOTD. One-Shot.


_**Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who**_

* * *

**Break and Soar**

* * *

For a moment, even less than a moment really, Clara was absolutely certain that a miracle had occurred.

For a millisecond her rapid heart rate stilled and her breath came out in a huff of relief as she stared down at the floppy brown hair and chin that she had been certain she would never see again.

For just a second she let herself feel hope and a smile grace her face as she moved towards the man she had sworn she wouldn't let herself fall for and yet, despite all of her best efforts, had done so anyways.

But less than a moment later, she cursed herself for hoping. Hoping was never a good thing, knowing was better. Knowing was peaceful and full of wonderful certainty. Hoping was only a pathway to devastation and disappointment.

Her eyebrows turned down in the corner and her eyes welled up. Immediately she pushed down the tears, trying to be strong in front of the Doctor. She was always trying to be strong for him. Not to show fear or sadness or weakness. She had never been good enough for others, but she _had _to be good enough for him. She couldn't give him any excuse to leave her behind.

Never again.

But no matter how hard she tried, the tears kept coming. Her heart dropped to her stomach as she studied every inch of the face that would only last a few more minutes. It was strange to think that he would be gone forever, and still be with her.

She couldn't decide if this day was a win or a loss. The Doctor would regenerate, something which he had been overjoyed about. He would never admit it, but he was terrified of death. He often forgot that she knew him a lot better than either of them truly understood.

She had seen him, every single one of him. Every single one of his faces. She had seen faces that no other human being should have and events that he'd never opened up to anybody else.

But not his new one. She'd seen twelve faces when she'd been split along his timeline. Because he'd died on Trenzalore, in his final body according to history. Doing this, asking the Time Lords for help, she had changed the entire nature of both the Doctor's, and her, timeline.

And it terrified her.

She couldn't help but wonder how much damage she had caused. Part of her felt terrible, knowing that she could have ruined _everything_, but she couldn't bring herself to feel bad about it. If she could go back and do it again she would. Because while the devastation she had brought to the timelines might be dire, it was nothing compared to what she would feel should the Doctor die. She was selfish, but she'd rather be selfish and have him here standing in front of her, alive, than selfless and have him dead atop that bell tower.

She supposed that he would never meet her now. If there was no open timeline at his grave, there was nothing for her to jump into. She could already feel the memories leaving her, her own self mending together from her severed timelines. She never jumped into the open wound, because there was no wound. No death.

For all she knew she would vanish from the TARDIS right here and now and wake up back in her home with nothing more than a headache and memories of a strange dream about a mad man who just wouldn't give up.

But it was _so _worth it.

Because that's what love was, wasn't it? Giving up everything for the happiness of someone else. She could do that. Give up everything...give up _him_. He didn't need her, he wouldn't remember ever having met her. His impossible girl would be completely normal. He would move on and find someone else, move on with his immortal life while she died a mortal one without him. She would die to save the Doctor, like always

And he'd be alive.

Yet the longer she stayed there the more that dreaded emotion started to come back to her. Hope. She pushed it away, not daring to even imagine the impossible. While memories faded of impossible lives, she was still there. Her memories of the Doctor remained. And his memories of her did as well.

She couldn't understand it. A hundred lifetimes of knowledge couldn't explain it before that too was wiped from her, leaving her once again unable to remember how the wi-fi worked.

It was...impossible.

As the hope finally forced its way past her barriers and into her heart she let out a shuttering breath. She wasn't going anywhere. Time wouldn't rip her away from her Doctor.

In that moment she wanted nothing more than to walk forward into his tweed embrace and squeeze tight around his middle, burying her head into his chest while he comforted her.

He was a bit out of it though, looking around the room wildly, muttering names under his breath as his entire world started to change around him.

She reached her hand out to him, but his hand was enveloped in a golden glow. Just a few centimeters she could be touching him. A few more and she would be close enough to stand in front of him and stand on her tip toes, wrap her arm around her neck and pull her down to her height and push her lips against his. She'd imagined it a hundred times before. He'd get all flustered and blush and wave his arms around not knowing where to put them, but he wouldn't pull away. At least she hoped he wouldn't, that would be embarrassing.

But she couldn't. She'd waited to long and she'd lost her chance. She'd never know what it was like to kiss this face. Even the foggy memory of kissing him in Victorian London was gone from her mind. It would be something she would never know, and forever regret.

She begged him to stay. Just a little longer, just so she could see the look on his face when she told him how she felt. Just long enough for her to say goodbye.

But it was too late now. He smiled at her comfortingly as he said his final words. speaking more to himself than her as he said goodbye to this self and prepared for his future.

_And now it's time for one last bow_

_Like all your other selves_

_Eleven's hour is over now_

_The Clock is Striking Twelve._

She hadn't know it was possible for a heart to break and soar at the same time until the moment when his body shown and he threw his head back and flew forward a new man.

But still very much alive.

* * *

**A/N: Two one-shot's in two days! I know, I'm an emotional wreck. So I felt it was necessary to destroy every single person who read this as well. I think I'm starting to get better at one-shot's now so I'll probably end up writing a lot of them.**

**Thank you for reading!**

**-Ash**


End file.
